That is how I feel right now. Many of you know that I have been looking for a job in ministry for almost 4 years now and that I have really been looking for almost 15 years, which is when I graduated from Bible college. I have made the final list so many times in these past years that it is really stunning. I can almost write the pastor’s speech to me about how they are going with the other person and that there is nothing they can point to as to why other than they just feel that is the direction that God is leading them in.
The ironic thing about that is that in a majority of these instances these youth pastors are no longer even at those churches and I am still looking. It kind of makes me wonder.
But anyway, here I sit after yet another church that we really felt was “the one” has turned us down yet again for that infamous “other guy”. Kimmy joked last night that if someone wants to be a shoo-in for the position all they would have to do is go up against me. Sadly, that is how I feel at times.
I told Kimmy this morning that I just wish that there was someone whom I really respected and looked up to that would just grab me by the shoulders, look into my eyes and just tell me that I need to give up because I am not cut out for ministry. However, I usually get the exact opposite. Even this most recent pastor told me that he knew I was called to be in ministry, but that they just felt like they needed to go with the “other guy”. Besides that I also know deep down in my heart that God has called me to be in ministry. I have no idea why that door has not opened yet, but I do believe it will. Someday.
People ask me what they can do to help and I joked with one person that they could get me a job in the ministry. But the reality is that there is not much you can do. It is time like this as we grieve yet another loss that what we really need is friends who say things like a dear friend of mine said to me recently.
I know that this is hard, and I don’t have anything to say except that I am sad along side you, and wondering what God is doing. I’m praying that this dry time comes to an end soon, and as we all look back on it we’ll be able to see God loving and leading you step by step.
It reminds me of Job’s friends in the beginning. I know that the pain and grief that Kimmy and I are experiencing cannot be compared with the loss of a loved one or even a miscarriage, but there are some similarities. I have devoted much of my life to being in ministry and it is something that God has placed in me as a young child. My life goal has been pointing towards this and the loss of it feels like the loss of a loved one or a baby, because it has been something that has been with me for a very long time. It is so much more than a job or even a career. It is a calling.
I can relate with the author of the song that I mentioned in my previous post, because I do feel that God is showing up late and I don’t understand why. I feel like I am waiting by that telephone awaiting His call, but He is nowhere to be found. I know He is here right by me and even carrying me through all of this, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel that way.
For now I feel like Tom Hanks’ character in Sleepless in Seattle. “I will get out of bed and breath in and out all day long.” I know God is there and that I will be found by Him right on time.