I read someone’s journal space today and I must say that I know how they are feeling. Today sucks….
I am coming upon the realization that it will soon be 8 months since I left my last position as the part-time Pastor to Students at a church and it has been about eleven and a half years since I graduated from Elim Bible Institute and I still have yet to step into full-time ministry. I do not think that I was supposed to leave my last church when I did, but I did not really have a choice in the matter, because I was told to leave when I did. Even though I had asked to stay until I found something else. In retrospect, I should have never told them I was sending out resumes until I had to. I mis the students there and I miss hanging out with my youth staff. Ministry is so much fun! Oh yeah, it can have it’s headaches but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I miss working in student ministry.
Some Sunday’s it takes a lot for me to get up and go to church, because after some of the crap and hurt that I have dealt with at the hands of people in the church, I just don’t want to bother going to church again. Or even get back into the ministry, but I know that is not what I am supposed to do, so I won’t.
Things are very tight for us financially right now and I know that it is my and Kimmy’s fault for not being wise with our finances, but it stil stinks to think how tight it is. But when I hear about a friend of mine who was recently let go at his church after being there for only 3 months and they are buying his house, giving him 6 months pay & benefits and moving expenses back to where they want to move to, I think what the heck? I was at my church for five and a half years and they couldn’t even give me a month’s of severance. But what can you do? I guess I will just keep plodding on and following Him, the best I can.
It is so hard when your life is sprialing out of control and there seems to be no end in site with a job in the ministry, selling our house and the bills piling up. But I know that God is in control and that is sometimes what makes it so hard. Because I want that control, but the problem is that when I have that control I mess things up.
I guess today I just think of some of the friendships that I seem to have lost from the people that I got to know over the past five and a half years at my previous church, especially the ones from people who said to me that they would stay in contact and despite my many calls and emails, they seem to not want to bother with me any more. It hurts and as much as I try to ignore it and hope it just goes away, it just never seems to. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for the friends I made of youth pastors from around the country, but it doesn’t really amke the hurt go away. It just lessens the pain.
I really don’t know where to go from here and so end up back where I started when I began this journey about a year ago….. following Him. And that is a great place to be, even though life can suck and you still have hurt. Thank you, God for being the one constant in my life.